Willis & Angie

"S'prisin' 'Liza" (John Hardhack)

By William Edward Penney

John Hardhack was a rough, close fisted tiller of the soil
And had become quite well to-do through hard and constant toil.
The only tender spot about him was his buckskin purse,
To hit him there would make him squirm, you could not hurt him worse.

A ragged suit of army clothes had served him many years,
In vain his wife had begged him to dress decently with tears,
But one day, when he went to town, he took a notion to
Invest a dozen dollars in a bran new suit all through.

"I'll bet nine dollars I'll 's'prise 'Liza!" chuckled he,
"Thar ain't no insects on ye now, old feller, no sir-ee!
Wall, du 'eu up, and be very quick about it, tu," he said
"Fer I've got nineteen cows tu milk afore I go tu bed!"

He jumped into the wagon, put his bundle on the seat,
And sent the old mare homeward at a gait 'twas hard to beat:
The shades of night were falling fast as out of town there passed
A man who muttered softly "I'll s'prise Eliza Jane at last!"

And when he reached the river that ran close beside the house,
He stopped his horse and listened; all was quiet as a mouse.
Said he, "I guess I'd better shuck myself right here and now,
It's a very queer purcedin', but I'll s'prise her any how!"

So one by one his garments old he pulled off with a grin,
And as the river ran so close he calmly tossed them in;
Then, as he gave the last old rag a sort of farewell flirt,
He stood up clothed in rectitude and a short cotton shirt.

"Now, presto change!" he gayly cried, and reached for his new clothes,
They were not there! He was surprised as you may well suppose.
He searched the wagon o'er and o'er, and crawled beneath the seat.
It was in vain. His language I would rather not repeat.

The night wind seemed to snicker as it dallied with his brief
And simple costume, while he stood and shivered like a leaf,
At last he grimly muttered as he took the homeward track,
"If I don't s'prise Eliza yit my name ain't John Hardhack!"

His dog came at him in the yard and made him climb a tree,
And when his good wife cried "Who's there?" he howled "Gol darn it, ME!"
But not until the hired man had dressed and got a gun
Would she admit him, and then was half inclined to run.

Eliza was surprised no doubt, but when John Hardhack rose
Next morning and went out doors in his hired man's old clothes
And found his missing bundle hanging safe as on a shelf,
Upon the break rod where it caught, he was "s'prised" himself.

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Middletown transcript. [volume], April 02, 1891, Image 1

(Middletown, Del.)

https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn84026820/1891-04-02/ed-1/seq-1/